I never thought I would ask to be released, though that is what it came to.
Feeling neglected and disposable was not healthy for me. I was not getting what I needed; there was too much going on for both of us. I asked to be released.
I feel it was the right decision while we worked on “sorting” so many “things” going on in life.
I also feel a big empty hole within me. I have to stop myself from doing my former daily devotions. They were habit and meant a great deal, though I was not aware of how much until I stopped completely.
I talk with some in my life with their responses as “well, your better off”, yet my heart does not feel better off.
I feel agony, doubt, and sadness. I feel disconnected and painfully empty.
I just wish it were easier for me.
I’m proud of myself for setting healthy boundaries, yet I am seeking comfort. It is not easy for me to stick up for myself, especially with those whom I love, care for and am devoted to. It is that part of loving myself, of caring for myself.
I am hurting. I'm tired of hurting. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, not falling into 'self depreciating' statements, but the truth is I still hurt. Staying positive, loving myself and working through the pain, is the only way I can do this.
It has brought up a lot of baggage as well. So I'm feeling the pain and letting it go, instead of ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen.
I just wish I did not feel so alone no matter the fact that this is a process I must feel and do alone.
Truthfully, right now, I just want to be held. Held by someone who loves me, feeling safe and warm. Feeling valued.
I just want to cry until everything feels better or until I feel nothing at all and I can fall into a dreamless sleep.
