Monday

Away~

With each broken promise,
and every manipulated moment,
each conversation ignored, things shared tossed aside, 
never acknowledged...


forgotten~


in every harmful instance, deliberate in lack of communication


I move further away


Trust gone
skin thickening 
my quiet becomes deafening 


until the final blow you deliver 
is nothing but a wisp of a shadow 
who's heart left long ago.

My own personal experience and reflections

"I wished you to know how much what I read in your messages today meant to Me. I tried to do so in My reply to you, but could only muster a modicum of what I was feeling into the fumbling awestruck words I wrote to you. God, how I do cherish and love you and how you do please and pleasure Me...not only in all manners and matters sensual and sexual...but in every nuance and facet of the woman and person you are, My wonderful jade, especially in those many odd, strange and obscure points of interest within Our likes, piques, personalities, desires, amusements, attractions and entertainments in which We coincide and intersect so flawlessly and complimentary of one another...both opening and sharing new vistas moment by moment...such is love..."


Not everyone is blessed with such verbal/written eloquence.  When the words are there, unique, expressed with thought and heartfelt sincerity, the words are cherished, treasured with every fiber of my being.  These words of love that make me melt every time I read them. 
   
Letters, email, text, phone calls and packages are the primary ways to express yourselves to one another is he main factor in long distance relationships. Something that can weigh heavy and take it's toll. 


Regular relationships are hard work, add the dynamics of more people and not only do you need to be aware of yourself, but of others as well. 


 It takes more than pretty words to keep a relationship going. Actions do speak louder than words. Lasting Love is not easy, hearts are frail and easily broken by lies, insecurities, and egotistical manipulations. 


Never leave a hurting partner. You are in their life because they want you to be and visa versa. Some things are easy to resolve like a change in the dinner menu, staying out longer, or even just staying in and being with them holding them while they cry. 


It's not just about the sex or what feels good at the moment.  It's facing the scary, angry, sad, frustrating, insecure times, and everyone learning supporting and helping each other become better.   


Sometimes it's easier to slay those inner demons when one knows there is someone there one can lean against after there battle. 


Backing up what you say and feel in your heart, understanding, being patient, being there when times are tough, listening as much if not more than you are listened too, working through things and communicating.  It's what makes things last. There are sacrifices on everyones part, being there for each other is of the upmost importance. 


If it doesn't matter to one whether or not the reassurance or working towards bettering the relationship goes beyond the pretty words or the great sex to get ones rocks off . . . then someone is being used. 


If it doesn't matter to you that one in the relationship is hurting and you leave them for another or that they are in need of something beyond words from you and you do not put yourself aside to help them . . . you are an option, not a priority or addition.


And/or they are disregarding you as much. . . There needs to be some tough communication and perhaps changes. 


The opposite of love is neglect.  If one does not care enough to put forth the effort to go beyond words, what's the point in saying ' I love you' and what's the point of the relationship? Has it gone from love to roommates or fuck buddy? 


Realistically it doesn't take much to reassure the people you care for, nor to acknowledge the reassurance received.  To create an environment where each are able to grow individual as well as everyone growing together, nourishing each beautiful individual soul, definitely takes time and is well worth it. 


If it is important to you take the time out.  


Relationships are hard work, with love and rewards beyond measure. 

Tasking

I never thought I would miss tasking.  


My previous task assignments were to be completed at certain times throughout the day.  Mechanical, dry, and without feeling.  Fake.


I was recently assigned a task for a while where there was freedom given as to when it was completed.  


A small task, though the words important to me and heart felt, as is with everything about me.  I'm not going to waist my energy saying, conveying, or doing anything if it is not true and real.  Those who choose to respond get more from me and I from them. 


The task came to an end and I miss it.  I still want to convey the words, as I reflect and think they are still there and ring true in my heart.   


I am filled with happy memories from it, learning quiet a bit of my self and others.   

Expression~

In need of expressing myself more.  


Funny thing, when I thoroughly think things through, the need is gone. 



Pondering dynamics of relationships~

Husband, Partner and Dominant. All three are male lovers I am involved with.  Each with their own quirks, interests and different levels of intimacy. 

I am a passionate, sensual, giving and very sexual person with them.   I am also addicted to touch.  I love to touch and pamper and be touched all over.  I can spend hours tickling and massaging a loved one. 

Not everyone likes to touch or be touch as much as I do.  As most everyone express intimacy in varying degrees. My struggle is remembering this is not a rejection of myself or others involved.  Or feeling as if I am being pawned off on the one who shares the same delight in touch, intimacy, and kink. 


The differences? well, a quick summary . . .

One is happy spending an hour with me every morning chatting as we have breakfast together, the occasional kiss and hug, a back scratch or two. A massage and/or falling asleep in my arms.  He is very quiet and can get very grumpy and stand offish when he does not feel well or wants to sleep. 

The other, due to distance, is happy with an occasional phone call or letter/email. When we do have a chance to be together is more into hand holding and kissing, while sharing and creating stories. 

The Third like myself, delights in touch- which spoils me.  Spoils me in a way that I forget others 'touch' boundaries, which is something I need to work more on, my forgetfulness has created more than a couple of awkward moments.  Which only ends up in me hurting myself. 


This relationship has also awoken some forgotten desires and yearnings.  A bitter sweet feeling as I was so accustom to turning everything off and ignoring my desires.  


Now I'm waking, more and more each day, each moment. I'm not sure I like it, for it feels like a blessing and a curse.  I feel that my wants, desires, and needs are interfering on others enjoyments lovers and pass times. 


It's been made clear that I've been taking, wanting, or asking for too much time or for things which the energy has been expended for another or somewhere else and I'm left with 'not in the mood' or 'too tired' or 'go and see so and so'. 


It's also been made clear to me that I'm not allowed to give up my date nights. Which is frustrating because I feel like I'm in the way of others developing their own closeness. 


 I need to find some balance to where I feel happy and fulfilled as well as those in my life knowing they are continuing on with their happiness along with mine. 


Working on this communication and finding this balance will be interesting but well worth it. 








Sweat, mascara running, bruises?

If I am screaming, moaning, thrashing about, crying and could possibly end up with bruises ending up shaking uncontrollably . . . yeah it was a big one and it was goooooood . . .

Sunday

Insatiable Whore

There are moments when I am at a loss for words and those when I feel selfish for certain desires and wants.


Personal moments of frustration that stem from longing for a connection. I yearn to loose control of my body and want to get lost in sensations deemed unacceptable for society. 


My mind and body respond to a great many things.  Be present, look in my eyes as I look into yours and let me see you as I am being seen. 


Kiss me softly.  Let me feel your breathe in my mouth, let me savor the softness of your lips as our tongues tease each other.


Let me explore your body with my mouth, my touch, let me taste every inch of you. Let me take my time with you.  


Reciprocate.


Let me go down on you to wake you up. 


Kiss, bite, caress, scratch, tickle, lick, spank, pull my hair. 


Start of gently end roughly.


The dirtier the better, and I don't really care who is watching.


I will ride you for hours, satisfying your every desire.  Nearly everything goes, any time and anywhere. 



Saturday

mere fantasy ?

a lover who has the same schedule as I do, being naked all night with someone who helps me passionately combat insomnia, when actions reinforce delicious sensual whispers, becoming better and exploring new realms of passion.

if these things are mere fantasy, the thoughts are delicious though not fulfilling.

These fantasies are always worth working towards becoming a reality~

Friday

Zen~

~ It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles.  Then the victory is yours; it cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell ~ 

True Lady

Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires ~ Robert Heinlein

happy thoughts

wit 

beautiful eyes
humor
melodic laughter

intelligence 
luscious curves 
soft skin 
beautiful soul
softer lips
mmmmmm   
happy thoughts

Thursday

Texting

I'm starting to think that texting is evil. 


It is something that we've all become accustomed to as well as an addiction.  


It detracts from the here and now, taking our attention from those around us, driving, the beauty of what is happening here and now. 


I miss phone calls when I can hear the emotion behind the statement...  for that matter I miss face to face conversations.  Enjoying the evening and expressing eye to eye.  


It is far to easy to hide behind typed words.   

Last night

Last night I had dinner with a beautiful woman. A woman who is already friends with my boyfriend.  I went to meed her for dinner as husband and boyfriend enjoyed a casual evening home. 


She is stunning, wonderful, intelligent and easy to speak with.  Her laugh is melodic, contagious, dripping with honey. 


My heart jumped when she called it a "date" and I became anxious. 


It was just our time together to get to know each other.  Time flew by quickly, so much that it was cruel. I wish we were able to talk longer. In a place that was quieter. 


It's been a long time since I kissed a pretty girl as sensually as we kissed last night.  She was responsive in her kiss and her eyes twinkled. Her soul splendid ~ providing a kiss that was simply erotic and blissful.  


Even though, due to my own inner workings and feelings, I may be the slowest one in this part of the dynamic, I am again anxious, excited as I hope to be able to spend more time with her.  


I am content with the interaction last night, still processing things.  I am grateful for the peace that was provided in the moment of her kiss. 

Striving to be better~

Without effort, hunger, and need
What is the point of living? Of growing? Of becoming better?


How do I channel unto myself as well as others? 

Dreams~ wishes

I've never had a dream come true 
nor a wish fulfilled 
until you reentered my life 

Just one day

one day, just one.


I would love to have one day without tears.

gently johnny

Tuesday

simple wishes, well deserved for all

Loved


Happiness


Peace


Wanted


Compassion


Thought of


Acceptance


Trusted


Liked


Heard


Acknowledged 


Honesty in all things


Remembered


Listened to


Valued


Joy


Cherished 


Balance 


Peace of mind, body and spirit


for the self as well as for others 

Pobre Corazon

la situacion es dificil 
y aguantarlo no puedo 
ya no te noto la misma 
dejarte ir yo no quiero 
por favor mirame mientras te voy hablando 
que estoy... agonizando por tu adios 

como explicarle al corazon que hoy te vas 
como decirle que sin ti puede seguir 
como fingir para que no se ni cuenta 
que desde hoy ya no estaras junto a mi... 

estoy vagando por las calles no se a donde ir 
desorientado, confundido no se que hacer 
pues lo unico que hago es pensar en ti 
y este corazon a gritos va llamandote 
en mi mente esta claro que ya hoy te vas 
es mi corazon que no lo quiere aceptar 
pues le hace falta tu cariño y tu calor 
dime como aliviar el dolor... 

como explicarle al corazon que hoy te vas 
como decirle que sin ti puede seguir 
como fingir para que no se de ni cuenta 
que desde hoy ya no estaras junto a mi... 

no te imaginas como esto afecta mi corazon 
como aliviar con esta separacion 
aun recuerdo esa primera vez 
los dos envueltos y tu tocandome 
y ahora me encuentro aqui solo y vacio 

agonizando no aguanto este frio 
Dios mio ayudame que esto me mata 
dime porque esto me pasa... 
y ahora se va... 
se va y se va y se va... 
y lo mas que me duele, que no la vuelvo a ver jamas... 
hoy se va... 
se va y se va y se va... 
y lo mas que me duele, que no la vuelvo a ver jamas... 

como explicarle al corazon que hoy te vas 
(como explicarle al corazon...) 
como decirle que sin ti puede seguir 
(como decirle que sin ti puede seguir...) 
como fingir para que no se de ni cuenta 
(como fingir...) 
que desde hoy ya no estaras junto a mi... 
como explicarle al corazon que hoy te vas 
como decirle que sin ti puede seguir 
como fingir para que no se ni cuenta 
que desde hoy ya no estaras junto a mi... 

que dificil es aceptar el adios... 
de lo que amas... 
pero este corazon nunca, pero nunca dejara de buscarte... 
esto es sentimiento... 
~Divinoo

Monday

Why? 2009


Amazing
Reflections
of
Moments
Both sad and
happy

Tears have been shed
Revealing pain
Heartache
Naked
trembling
Loneliness

Settling

Even with
one so
Wonderfully
kind

Still not
Being true
to thundering
Passions echoing
Through the soul

Still here

Hoping

One day
After nearly a decade
Wishing
Memories will
shower down
dissolving
The numbing
Veil

Wrapped so tight
It suffocates
Passion

Killing it

Hopeful

Memories
Will explode
Like fireworks
in the night

favorite colors
songs
delicious meals shared
birthdays
scents
first times

all
will flood
to the for front
of the mind

remembering
how to touch
where to
caress

wanting
to kiss
the spot
so sweet
it sets the
skin aflame

so intoxicating
that spot
just breathing
on it causes
vision to be lost

fumbling
in the
darkness
guided only by
touch
taste
scent

hoping
for the memory

the act

to be
resurrected

but

if all others
pale
in comparison

why not say?

If the beauty
Is so profound

Why not offer
compliments
Unprompted?

If the touch
addicting

Why
Deny it?

If the kiss
So skillfully
Befuddling

Why not explore
The mouth
Taste
The tongue?

If the mind
Is intriguing?

Why not
Converse
Or answer
questions?

If the one
Before you
Is the epitome
Of what a
Woman
Should be

Why deny
The gift
Only a man
Can provide?

Even shying
Away from the act
is
Mindlessly
Neglecting
a withering garden

Why is
this
so easy
to disregard?