On being released

 I never thought I would ask to be released, though that is what it came to.

Feeling neglected and disposable was not healthy for me.  I was not getting what I needed; there was too much going on for both of us.  I asked to be released.

I feel it was the right decision while we worked on “sorting” so many “things” going on in life.

I also feel a big empty hole within me.  I have to stop myself from doing my former daily devotions. They were habit and meant a great deal, though I was not aware of how much until I stopped completely. 

I talk with some in my life with their responses as “well, your better off”, yet my heart does not feel better off.

I feel agony, doubt, and sadness.  I feel disconnected and painfully empty. 

I just wish it were easier for me. 

I’m proud of myself for setting healthy boundaries, yet I am seeking comfort.  It is not easy for me to stick up for myself, especially with those whom I love, care for and am devoted to.  It is that part of loving myself, of caring for myself. 

I am hurting.  I'm tired of hurting. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, not falling into 'self depreciating' statements, but the truth is I still hurt.  Staying positive, loving myself and working through the pain, is the only way I can do this.  

It has brought up a lot of baggage as well.  So I'm feeling the pain and letting it go, instead of ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen. 

I just wish I did not feel so alone no matter the fact that this is a process I must feel and do alone. 

Truthfully, right now, I just want to be held. Held by someone who loves me, feeling safe and warm.  Feeling valued. 

 I just want to cry until everything feels better or until I feel nothing at all and I can fall into a dreamless sleep. 

Morning discussions

Man 1 (M1) and I had a great conversation this morning. A time of checking in, reflecting, lovingly discussing old and new things.

Discussing the seriousness of neglect, M1 helps me be honest with what is really happening, helps focus,and find solutions.

Each moment clarifying that actions speak louder than words. Coming to find something else about myself ~ a three minute insertion by a half flacid cock that keeps gettig softer and softer does NOT count as penetration. No, lover, I really don't do it for you. and that's ok.

There is someone I DID do IT for. He and his hard cock were One of the most wonderful passionate things I've experienced in a rather long time.and it was fun!

M1 is happy about my experiences with this person, regardless of whether or not sex is involved. M1 is excited and excited for me. We are both hoping for good things, and regardless of what happens the friendship is here for him from both of us.

Honestly, M1 is excited about having someone to befriend, though he is still cautious. Especially with what is happening with M2 and what happened with woman 1 (W1).

I don't blame him, but I don't want to carry that baggage and throw it onto anyone else. I don't think it's fair.

Both of us are focusing on the positive, excited for new things, and welcoming new people into our life.

Realizing, wih great joy in my heart, that the happiness and excitement is similar and radiating from M1~ even though he is proceeding with caution.

I'm a lucky girl, blessed with wonderful people in my life. They may be coming, going, or hanging on for the ride, but they are there. I am learning from and growing because of them. Regardless of if the experience is positive or negative, I am blessed, becoming better because of them.

ps~ special thanks to M1 for helping me write this blog~