On being released

 I never thought I would ask to be released, though that is what it came to.

Feeling neglected and disposable was not healthy for me.  I was not getting what I needed; there was too much going on for both of us.  I asked to be released.

I feel it was the right decision while we worked on “sorting” so many “things” going on in life.

I also feel a big empty hole within me.  I have to stop myself from doing my former daily devotions. They were habit and meant a great deal, though I was not aware of how much until I stopped completely. 

I talk with some in my life with their responses as “well, your better off”, yet my heart does not feel better off.

I feel agony, doubt, and sadness.  I feel disconnected and painfully empty. 

I just wish it were easier for me. 

I’m proud of myself for setting healthy boundaries, yet I am seeking comfort.  It is not easy for me to stick up for myself, especially with those whom I love, care for and am devoted to.  It is that part of loving myself, of caring for myself. 

I am hurting.  I'm tired of hurting. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, not falling into 'self depreciating' statements, but the truth is I still hurt.  Staying positive, loving myself and working through the pain, is the only way I can do this.  

It has brought up a lot of baggage as well.  So I'm feeling the pain and letting it go, instead of ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen. 

I just wish I did not feel so alone no matter the fact that this is a process I must feel and do alone. 

Truthfully, right now, I just want to be held. Held by someone who loves me, feeling safe and warm.  Feeling valued. 

 I just want to cry until everything feels better or until I feel nothing at all and I can fall into a dreamless sleep. 

Love?

Oh honey,


It was never a question of love.


It was the realization of neglect.


Yes you did:
Shower me with pretty words 
tell me what you desire and what you desire to do to or for me 
tell me you love me


and never fulfill with me what you fulfilled with others. 


I suppose I understand. Nah....  I don't, really. Not really certain if I care to. 


What I understand is that when I asked for clarification or to go slow, you threw a fit.  Pouting like a child, telling me every thing you thought I wanted to hear. Then  you became a hermit avoiding and projecting guilt until I acquiesced to who,what you wanted, the way you wanted it.  


Soon you stopped sharing. I question if you were ever truthful or if you know what honesty is.  Especially with what is coming out of the wash now. 


hence the realization of neglect.  


Your own actions made it easier to walk away from you. 
I wish you the best with all the love in my heart and am grateful for all the positive things as well as the other experiences I learned from. 


I truly do but with my boundaries firmly in place. 


I do not need to beg anyone to spend time with me in any way shape or form.