Tuesday

On being released


 I never thought I would ask to be released, though that is what it came to.

Feeling neglected and disposable was not healthy for me.  I was not getting what I needed; there was too much going on for both of us.  I asked to be released.

I feel it was the right decision while we worked on “sorting” so many “things” going on in life.

I also feel a big empty hole within me.  I have to stop myself from doing my former daily devotions. They were habit and meant a great deal, though I was not aware of how much until I stopped completely. 

I talk with some in my life with their responses as “well, your better off”, yet my heart does not feel better off.

I feel agony, doubt, and sadness.  I feel disconnected and painfully empty. 

I just wish it were easier for me. 

I’m proud of myself for setting healthy boundaries, yet I am seeking comfort.  It is not easy for me to stick up for myself, especially with those whom I love, care for and am devoted to.  It is that part of loving myself, of caring for myself. 

I am hurting.  I'm tired of hurting. I'm trying very hard to stay positive, not falling into 'self depreciating' statements, but the truth is I still hurt.  Staying positive, loving myself and working through the pain, is the only way I can do this.  

It has brought up a lot of baggage as well.  So I'm feeling the pain and letting it go, instead of ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen. 

I just wish I did not feel so alone no matter the fact that this is a process I must feel and do alone. 

Truthfully, right now, I just want to be held. Held by someone who loves me, feeling safe and warm.  Feeling valued. 

 I just want to cry until everything feels better or until I feel nothing at all and I can fall into a dreamless sleep. 

Friday

Love?

Oh honey,


It was never a question of love.


It was the realization of neglect.


Yes you did:
Shower me with pretty words 
tell me what you desire and what you desire to do to or for me 
tell me you love me


and never fulfill with me what you fulfilled with others. 


I suppose I understand. Nah....  I don't, really. Not really certain if I care to. 


What I understand is that when I asked for clarification or to go slow, you threw a fit.  Pouting like a child, telling me every thing you thought I wanted to hear. Then  you became a hermit avoiding and projecting guilt until I acquiesced to who,what you wanted, the way you wanted it.  


Soon you stopped sharing. I question if you were ever truthful or if you know what honesty is.  Especially with what is coming out of the wash now. 


hence the realization of neglect.  


Your own actions made it easier to walk away from you. 
I wish you the best with all the love in my heart and am grateful for all the positive things as well as the other experiences I learned from. 


I truly do but with my boundaries firmly in place. 


I do not need to beg anyone to spend time with me in any way shape or form.   

Prose from The Wicker Man within the song Gently Johnny ~ wish I knew who wrote this....

I think I could turn and live with animals 


They are so placid and self contained


They do not lay awake at night and weep for their sins


They do not make me sick, discussing their duty to god


Not one of them kneels to another


Nor to one of its own kind that lived thousands of years ago


Not one of them is respectable 


Or unhappy 


All over the earth 


All over the earth 

Balance of the divine ~ connection with the god

If you only knew where your browns eyes take me


A journey through time
Remembering 
Delicious moments 
Mixed with memories of recent and distant pasts. 


You take my breath away


Needing only but look at me 
Causing my cloths to melt away
Revealing flesh aching to be consumed


A body awakened to its own femininity once forgotten
Beaten alive 
Nurtured by your rugged passion


Tears stream down my face
Spit escapes my mouth 


I scream 
Arousal mixed with pain
Sex drips down my leg 
As you beat me black, blue, red, and eventually purple


Emotions 
Horrific 
Raw 
Deathly Erotic


Joining of our bodies complete the circle of energy 


As you ravage me over and over again 
Leaving me quivering, crying, cum dripping, barely conscious 
Pile of ecstasy. 


Cleansed 


Holding me 
Within peace
Finding my breath again


As you complete my submission 
I complete your dominance
As you awaken the goddess within me 
I awaken the god within you


A precious balance of the divine 

















Morning thoughts of a goddess

Realization dawns

It has been far too long 
since I've seen you

Your laugh 
lifting my spirit 

Your embrace 
filling the void


thoughts of you warm my heart


Remembering


Moans of pleasure 
~echoing in my ear


Taste of passion 
~coating my tongue


Heat of ecstasy 
~rising with touch


Epitome of grace







Romantic poetry via text ~For you~

Awakening 
by Liquidjade


The taste of 
Spring lingers 
as the memory of showers 
wash
cleanse
and bathe me in grace
connecting to a sacred divine
once forgotten 
now
blissfully remembered

Monday

Away~

With each broken promise,
and every manipulated moment,
each conversation ignored, things shared tossed aside, 
never acknowledged...


forgotten~


in every harmful instance, deliberate in lack of communication


I move further away


Trust gone
skin thickening 
my quiet becomes deafening 


until the final blow you deliver 
is nothing but a wisp of a shadow 
who's heart left long ago.

My own personal experience and reflections

"I wished you to know how much what I read in your messages today meant to Me. I tried to do so in My reply to you, but could only muster a modicum of what I was feeling into the fumbling awestruck words I wrote to you. God, how I do cherish and love you and how you do please and pleasure Me...not only in all manners and matters sensual and sexual...but in every nuance and facet of the woman and person you are, My wonderful jade, especially in those many odd, strange and obscure points of interest within Our likes, piques, personalities, desires, amusements, attractions and entertainments in which We coincide and intersect so flawlessly and complimentary of one another...both opening and sharing new vistas moment by moment...such is love..."


Not everyone is blessed with such verbal/written eloquence.  When the words are there, unique, expressed with thought and heartfelt sincerity, the words are cherished, treasured with every fiber of my being.  These words of love that make me melt every time I read them. 
   
Letters, email, text, phone calls and packages are the primary ways to express yourselves to one another is he main factor in long distance relationships. Something that can weigh heavy and take it's toll. 


Regular relationships are hard work, add the dynamics of more people and not only do you need to be aware of yourself, but of others as well. 


 It takes more than pretty words to keep a relationship going. Actions do speak louder than words. Lasting Love is not easy, hearts are frail and easily broken by lies, insecurities, and egotistical manipulations. 


Never leave a hurting partner. You are in their life because they want you to be and visa versa. Some things are easy to resolve like a change in the dinner menu, staying out longer, or even just staying in and being with them holding them while they cry. 


It's not just about the sex or what feels good at the moment.  It's facing the scary, angry, sad, frustrating, insecure times, and everyone learning supporting and helping each other become better.   


Sometimes it's easier to slay those inner demons when one knows there is someone there one can lean against after there battle. 


Backing up what you say and feel in your heart, understanding, being patient, being there when times are tough, listening as much if not more than you are listened too, working through things and communicating.  It's what makes things last. There are sacrifices on everyones part, being there for each other is of the upmost importance. 


If it doesn't matter to one whether or not the reassurance or working towards bettering the relationship goes beyond the pretty words or the great sex to get ones rocks off . . . then someone is being used. 


If it doesn't matter to you that one in the relationship is hurting and you leave them for another or that they are in need of something beyond words from you and you do not put yourself aside to help them . . . you are an option, not a priority or addition.


And/or they are disregarding you as much. . . There needs to be some tough communication and perhaps changes. 


The opposite of love is neglect.  If one does not care enough to put forth the effort to go beyond words, what's the point in saying ' I love you' and what's the point of the relationship? Has it gone from love to roommates or fuck buddy? 


Realistically it doesn't take much to reassure the people you care for, nor to acknowledge the reassurance received.  To create an environment where each are able to grow individual as well as everyone growing together, nourishing each beautiful individual soul, definitely takes time and is well worth it. 


If it is important to you take the time out.  


Relationships are hard work, with love and rewards beyond measure. 

Tasking

I never thought I would miss tasking.  


My previous task assignments were to be completed at certain times throughout the day.  Mechanical, dry, and without feeling.  Fake.


I was recently assigned a task for a while where there was freedom given as to when it was completed.  


A small task, though the words important to me and heart felt, as is with everything about me.  I'm not going to waist my energy saying, conveying, or doing anything if it is not true and real.  Those who choose to respond get more from me and I from them. 


The task came to an end and I miss it.  I still want to convey the words, as I reflect and think they are still there and ring true in my heart.   


I am filled with happy memories from it, learning quiet a bit of my self and others.